Proctologists Dance Morris Men into Defeat
Highgate Woods, 4/29/2006
Strongroom Proctor won by 5 wickets
Strongroom Morris: 164 all out
Strongroom Proctor: 166-5 (B.Shearer 62, M.Mellor 60*)
View the Scorecard
A sunny spring day greeted the 20-strong turn out for the annual, early season inter-Strongroom joust between regulars and an assortment of bits and pieces guest players - some whom turned out to be pretty tasty.
The captains, Dave Proctor and James Morris picked the teams on the basis of getting an evenly matched game, finding a balance between batting and bowling strengths, and keeping last week’s debutante and maiden century maker Luke and the veteran all rounder Mark Mellor, in separate teams.
Dave Proctor won the toss and decided to put the Morris Dancers into bat.
A lively start from Robin and Matt saw the ‘bell ringers’ get their innings off the ground at 5 runs per over; with Robin particularly strong on the off-side, driving a fair few well-timed strokes along the ground. Openers Mark Mellor and Brett Shearer bowled decent opening spells. Mellor was rewarded in over 4 with the scalp of Matt Court who managed only 2 runs, but had run quickly between the stumps and stolen many quick singles with Robin. Eking out quick and ‘dirty’ runs (Morris Dancers version of the Fox-trot) was to become the trademark of the ‘ankle slappers’ throughout their innings. In spite of the fairly rapid accumulation of runs by the opposition Proctor still managed his usual verbose, bellicose and goading fielding style but Luke’s entrance and potential threat to an evenly matched game, saw Proctor’s hand forced as he kept on Mellor and Shearer for a few extra overs in an effort to dismiss the danger man. To no avail, as neither was able to break through his solid defence.
Robin had to retire after 10 overs with a slightly pulled hamstring after another quick run and bat-stretch for the crease. This touch of luck for a struggling fielding team brought in the skipper, James Morris. Between them Morris and Luke put on a 50 partnership in quick time with Bill Mommersteeg having a particularly bad over (1-17-0); and the usually restraining Jolyan also unable to tie the batsman down with his mixture of spin, drift and varied pace. The young Ivan, debutante and nephew of our president was called up after Proctor had requested a bit of background information as to his talents. He stepped up in style and although unable to make a break through in his first four overs; showed enough pace and promise to be applauded by his team mates for effort. His all-round quality fielding was also exemplary, periodically reminding some of the older players how to gather and throw a ball from the deep.
With the score at 76 for 1 off 15 the Dancers must’ve been fairly pleased with their progress, well set nearly half way into their innings with lots of wickets in hand. Mark Mellor reminded Proctor to bowl and slightly sheepishly Proctor skipped in for his first over. Ball 4 had Luke driving uppishly and he popped a close-in opportunity to Jolyon who promptly dropped a bit of a dolly. Jolyon was suitably apologetic for the missed opportunity and seemed other worldly, as he usually does, both before and after the downed catch. His reprieve, and the team’s, was to come 2 balls later. Proctor found line and length with a skiddy dart which pitched just outside off (corridor), and nipped back in to bowl Luke middle and leg. The exuberant Proctor was ecstatic in celebration howling Messerschmidt – like towards a grinning but slightly bemused Stu Mac. Proctor’s following over saw the demise of Skipper Morris who on-drove (trademark?) uppishly across a ball pitched on middle, and a skied catch was taken by the bowler.
The white-trousered, twinkle-toed Morris men found their run rate significantly slowed after the quick dismissals of Luke and James, as Dan O’Donnell, Jolyon Rebbeck and Medicine-man Proctor quickly bowled through the middle overs of the Dancers innings at just 3 an over. Debutante wannabe Warne-alike Rich Milroy threatened in his first over to cause a stir with his extremely slow leg-spin – he had the batsman playing and missing; but unfortunately he lost his line in his second and was a tad expensive in the end bowling just 2 overs for 17. Left-hander Tim (Gloucester-born debutante) survived an early LBW shout but went on to make a tidy 29 whilst Robin came back in and top-scored with fluency (and Mike Gobby Gabbay as runner). Jolyon eventually removing him with a skyed catch to Brett Shearer at mid on.
Ivan was brought back onto bowl with Mellor as the tight bowling continued into the last 10 overs; and the Morrismen found it increasingly difficult to time the ball on the early season stodgy Highgate pitch. Ivan took 2 for 7 off his last 2 overs (bossing it with pace and movement), and Proctor took Tim’s wicket in his 6th after dolly-dropper Jolyon put another down at slip (not actually a dolly Brett clarified after the game – “it was moving a bit”). Mellor bowled a maiden and Brett took 2 quick wickets in the penultimate to bowl out the restricted Morris men for 164. An above average score on the early season pitch but possibly 20 runs short of where they might have expected to be at the half-way stage.
After a hasty tea of cheese, onion, ham and tomato baps (served with English mustard) and lots of Kitkats, play resumed. The proctologists knew they had their work cut out as, excluding the ever green Rich Boote, the dancers had a decidedly youthful, energetic and athletic look to them in the field as they warmed up with some proper stretching and hard throwing of the ball!
James Morris, in contrast to his opposite number showed a quiet assuredness and calm in his field setting – and his outfit quickly gelled as a unit, setting out to suffocate the Proctologists with tight bowling and some keen fielding. With 3 maidens from the first 4 overs they were soon dancing a pretty quick step around the maypole (late Aprilpole?), and their team were rewarded with quick wickets. In the 7th over with the score on just 14 Welsey delivered a peach to comprehensively bowl Jolyon, which was well-deserved after his first 3 only went for 5 runs. Guy Wilson (occasional hairdresser) began as he left off in the last game, with a quickly run 2 from his first ball. This was followed by another easy 2 off the next – but then for reasons only known to him (and Brett?), he tried a suicide 3rd (calamity Wilson!), and was run out by an excellent piece of through-the-legs wicket keeping by Luke (show-off). Sharp fielding from all players and in particular debutantes Oliver and Tim, coupled with this very tight opening spell from Wesley and Gabbay left the Proctologists almost pleading for mercy on 18 for 2 off 8. Proctor whilst scoring commented that they looked as if they were fingering themselves to a rapid demise.
Ivan came in at No. 4, resolutely put his head down and showed some good technique to help the score along with Brett who was beginning to find some excellent fluency and boundaries. Between them they managed to steady the ship, and take the score into the 60’s before Ivan was dismissed for 8. Rich Boote bowled a tidy enough spell but found Brett beginning to pick up the pace, as did James Morris as Brett began to dish out some classic straight-batted punishment. James Morris bowling strangely short for his usual high standards took himself off after 3 overs. Dan O’Donnell came into bat after the demise of Ivan, struck a lovely four off his legs in his first over, survived a good LBW shout from Rupert (who bowled a nice bit of in-swing); but was eventually dismissed by Oliver a few balls later. At around 65-4 off 15, THE MELLOR made his entrance. (Gushing) if ever a stage were set for a cameo innings (word-up) from the Mellor, this was it. After surviving a couple of early scares - one particularly difficult drop from Ivan (extra fielder) in the deep square leg area, Mellor and Shearer soon began pegging back the run-rate into something manageable.
By over 20 they had got their team to 83, and in-spite of some tight bowling by Oliver and the openers who came back to pepper them with plenty of good LBW shouts, were 115 off 25. 7 overs later the match seemed all but finished at 157 off 32 but there was one final twist as the scoreboard revealed an internal error that saw the score rectified to read 147. Comically, 18 was required rather than 8 off the last 3 and just as Brett and Mark got to the last fence with 4 to win, Brett was removed LBW by Morris - a grass-cutting stinker. A little wobble was felt around the ground as Luke in typically ebullient Aussie style was heard cracking up behind the timbers shouting “cmon lads it’s not over yet”. Elsewhere Mike Gabbay muttered some more gibberish from the outfield and was ignored (again). Proctor defended his one and only ball to end the penultimate over. In the final over with Mellor facing and as the tension mounted, the Morris Dancers were close to a fandango! Proctor asked Mark to get it over with nice and quickly, and he duly obliged, crashing a 4 to the boundary first ball. Game over.
All in all a good game where once again Strongroom cricket won out with positive, good-natured yet competitive cricket and some interesting new players to boot.
Look forward to the next one.
Men of the Match Mellor and Brett Shearer. Notable debutantes – the architects Tim and Oliver, Wesley (Luke’s flat mate, might have known!) and El Presidentino Ivan. Gob of the Match – Dave Proctor with offerings (rarely amusing) from Mike ‘Scooby Doo’ Gabbay. (what the f**k was that about?)
Written By: D.Proctor
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